Monday, August 24, 2009

Top 5 Signs You Take Fantasy Football Way Too Seriously

It's that time of year again. Time when school starts up, the temps go down, and fantasy football (FFB) corrupts the minds of America for the next 5 months. But for some individuals, FFB is a matter of life and death. Each decision made with the draft picks must be scrutinized to no end. Any mistake in picking up the next great running back could spell doom for his/her team and a season will have been lost. So for those wondering if they fit into this category, I give you the Top 5 signs you take fantasy football way too seriously. Why 5? Because "Top Ten" has already been taken, eleven is one more, and any more than 5 and I would be taking this list way too seriously. With that, I give you...

5. You have to take out a second mortgage to cover the costs of FFB guides and kits, just so you can determine who is the best choice in your draft slot.

Now I know it can be really crucial who you choose with your first pick, especially how your league is set up, point-wise. But if it takes the same amount of money spent on "Cash For Clunkers" to help you with your selection, then you might want to think about becoming a politician so at least you waste the taxpayers' dollars and not your own.

4. You think The Wire should really be a weekly show about how to choose from the waiver list.

Isn't it annoying when you have a guy/girl in your league who drops and adds players from waivers more often than Favre wavers between retirement and un-retirement (okay, I'll stop with the Favre jokes... but it's so much fun). Sadly that's why you can find, implemented in fantasy leagues, a restriction on the number of changes made to rosters during the season and a time limit on when these changes can be made. I say if you want that wide-out who's fourth on the depth chart of his own team, be my guest.

3. You believe holding on to Michael Vick in your "keeper" league for the past two years will finally pay off.

That's a little too extreme, even for the league I'm in. Although, if you wanted to start an all-convict team, you'd have Vick at QB, Jamal Lewis at RB, and Donte' Stallworth and Plaxico Burress at WR. Not a bad starting lineup... in 2005 (And yes, for those of you who like to leave rebuttals, I know Lewis didn't have a stellar season in '05, but who should I have put in his place? Travis Henry?).

2. You take more time considering your FFB team name than you would for naming your own kid.

Yes, I know you want to be witty, I know you want to be funny, I know you want to strike fear in those teams who dare compete against you, but who's going to remember your team's name after the season is over? If your team does poorly, it'll just be a reminder of how terribly managed your team was. And with 20 characters available, you're not winning a Pulitzer Prize anytime soon.

1. You get all worked up over how a player looks against the 4-3 versus the 3-4, rather than how this looks:

In a bikini... or less.

When you care about 3-4 defenses more than 34-24-35, it can only mean one of two things. Either you've had any inkling of looking at beautiful ladies beaten out of you by your women, or you've been living way too long at home. If you're in the group because of the first reason, then my apologies to you. If you're in the latter group, time to get out of the house and meet someone... who will at least share your passion for FFB.

Feel free to leave comments and let me know if you can think of any other signs that show you could be taking FFB way too seriously. Later!

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